Funny, How Things Work Out
by alcimines
Summary: After the events in "Captain America: Civil War" some of the characters try to sort out their lives. Characters include: Tony Stark, James Rhodes, Sam Wilson, Peter Parker, May Parker, and Gwen Stacy. Relationships include May/Tony and Gwen/Peter.
FUNNY, HOW THINGS WORK OUT

Tony Stark had, in his time, experienced a truly ridiculous number of women. That came with the territory when you were handsome, witty, quite powerful, and insanely rich. Women simply wanted to know Tony. Often, they wanted to know him in the biblical sense.

Gold-diggers hoping to become Mrs. Stark - and eventually an incredibly wealthy former Mrs. Stark - were a dime a dozen. Tony had them figured out even before he went to college. Frankly, he treated Kleenex better than he treated them.

Then there were the famous and beautiful women who simply wanted to be able to point to a notch on their bedpost and say, "That was Tony Stark." Tony did his best to accommodate them.

Working girls looking for a big score? They were a type that Tony treated reasonably well. After all, they were just doing their jobs. And the clock was ticking for them as the twin demons called time and age took a steady toll on their futures.

The star-struck younger girls who just wanted to brush up against somebody famous? Tony was as gentle with them as it was possible for someone like him to be. The same for the pretty young scientists who envisioned a relationship with him as a variable in the grand equation of their collaboration.

And as for the legion of intelligence agents and industrial spies that were regularly deployed against him? Oh, the games Tony played with them... A minor regret in Tony's life was that he and Natasha never actually squared off. He'd recognized her for what she was a lot earlier than Natasha realized. Or at least he thought so - he knew it was unwise to underestimate Nat.

Actually, the wildest woman Tony had ever taken to bed turned out to be a ninja. She won the "wildest" title on the grounds of: 1) being a psychotically relentless bed-partner whose goal was to leave her target dazed via sheer sexual overload, and, 2) she tried to murder Tony. She didn't quite manage the first, so she failed at the second. She now had a one-woman private investigation firm in Paris and Tony was her silent partner. Hey, he couldn't just leave her to be killed by her clan for the "crime" of failing a mission, could he? Besides, it was handy to have a ninja on retainer.

Part of the reason the breakup with Pepper chewed such a big hole in Tony was because she was the "none of the above" answer in the multiple choice question of "What kind of women do you have in your life?" And the breakup happened at the same time as that immense pile of bullshit that was the Sokovia Accords, Rhodey's injury, the breakup of the Avengers, and the fight with Steve and Bucky.

Tony's life was a mess. He was on psychological autopilot. He was trying to fix the crisis he and Steve had created. Trying to run his company. Trying to do good in a world that seemed determined to hand him one disaster after the other.

Then, because nature abhors a vacuum - especially where Tony Stark was involved - he met somebody.

* * *

For God's sake, they were in a Motel 6. It was the closest hotel when... when it happened.

"Tony, we can't do this again," May told him. She was sitting in an ugly upholstered chair, with a sheet wrapped around her otherwise naked body. And she looked shocked. Shocked in a glowing multiple-orgasm kind of way.

"Yeah? Uh, sure, yeah!" Tony replied. That wasn't exactly up to the standards of the usual Stark banter, but that really wasn't his fault. Tony was in a bit of a stupor.

As it turned out, May Parker was a freak in bed.

How freaky?

Ninja-level freaky. And she got bonus points for not trying to kill him afterwards. Although you could make an argument she'd tried to kill him while they were having sex.

Peter was at a science fair. Tony showed up to surprise him and take a look at Peter's project (a low-cost bio-fuel conversion process - it looked promising), but then Tony inevitably became the focus of attention. He took May to lunch so things get could back to normal for the kids at the fair.

They ate at a fashionable bistro. They talked about nothing much - mostly Peter's grades and college prospects. May didn't know that Tony had already laid the groundwork to get Peter into M.I.T. For the hundredth time, Tony tried to figure out just how much May knew about her nephew. He never really could come to a conclusion.

"Tell me about Afghanistan," May eventually asked.

Actually, that was something of a surprise. People usually asked Tony about New York. Or that business with the 'Mandarin'. Or the mess with Steve.

So Tony told May almost the entire story: the ambush, the dead kids - killed with his weapons, supplied by a friend who turned out to be a traitor (that part was getting old), his time as a prisoner in the cave, the damage to his heart, the prototype suit, poor Yinsin's invaluable help and eventual death, the escape, and finally being rescued by Rhodey.

The only thing he didn't describe to May was the savage glee he'd taken in killing as many of those Ten Rings bastards as he could. For the love of God, at one point he'd used a flamethrower on them.

After lunch, they walked back to his car. May smiled at him as he opened the passenger side door for her. Then she hugged him - innocently. May was a hugger. It didn't mean anything besides, "You need a hug." She was like that.

They both noticed that the hug lasted approximately 1.375 seconds longer than it should have. It was impossible to say who was to blame for that, because they both were.

They got into the car. Tony started the engine and glanced at May. Their eyes met. The kiss that followed shocked the living hell out of both of them.

Events proceeded catastrophically from there.

From his seat on the motel room bed, a pillow over his guilty, guilty lap, Tony shook his head and tried to get his act together. This was May Parker! Peter's (startlingly hot) surrogate mom! What the hell was he doing?! What was the hell was wrong with him?!

"You're right," Tony replied seriously - he was almost never completely serious. The last time he was dead serious he was trying to kill a friend's best-friend.

"We can't do this again," Tony added. And he meant it.

"Absolutely," May agreed firmly.

* * *

It was the next night and they were in a hotel this time. A nicely discreet hotel. The discretion was part of the almost four-figure fee for a room.

As far as Peter knew, his aunt was out with one of the ladies from her bridge club.

It occurred to Tony that he now knew secrets about both May and Peter. And he was helping them keep those secrets from each other.

"Tell me about Pepper," May asked in the exhausted aftermath of round three. Tony was in fantastic shape for a scientist. May briefly wondered if the super-heroing had something to do with that.

It was hard for Tony to talk about Pepper, but he tried his best. He told May how they tried and tried, but just couldn't square the circle of their relationship. About how he missed her. About how it took him so long to admit that it was over.

May listened without saying a thing.

When he was done, Tony was surprised to hear himself say, "Tell me about Ben."

May was quiet for a long, long time.

"He was a good man," she finally said.

Tony didn't say anything. He could tell he was approaching a line. May would have to decide exactly where that line was.

"It's my fault," May finally said. "I killed Ben."

Tony blinked in surprise.

May looked away. "Ben and Peter had a fight. Peter ran off. I convinced Ben to go looking for him. Ben was looking for Peter when he was shot and killed."

"It's all my fault," May finished quietly.

"May..." Tony began slowly. Tony was an expert on guilt - misplaced and otherwise.

May just held up a hand. Tony actually shut up. It was a new thing that he was giving a try.

"This is still a mistake," May said. "I mean... it's good... but we have to stop."

"You're right," Tony agreed.

"Absolutely," May said resolutely.

* * *

Two nights later, Tony stopped by the Parker home to drop off some additions to Peter's burgeoning basement laboratory. Tony knew it would be safe - after all Peter would be there. Tony figured he would stay outside the door of the Parker home, hand Peter the lab equipment, and then leave. With a little luck, he wouldn't even see May.

It turned out Peter wasn't home. He was studying with a girl named Gwen.

"Oh, for God's sake, Tony!" May gasped in exasperation. She was naked from the waist down, on her back on the kitchen table, and still had her very nice legs wrapped around Tony's waist.

Tony shrugged helplessly. "Well... we didn't go to bed this time."

May shook her head, disengaged her body from Tony's, and then stood up and kissed him.

"You know why we're doing this, don't you?" May asked.

After a brief pause, Tony nodded. May cocked her head at him, surprised by Tony's uncharacteristic silence.

"Why?" she demanded.

Tony smiled thinly, "How does the song go? 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with?'. Who wrote that?"

"Billy Preston used to say it, but Stephen Sills wrote the song," May answered absently as she retrieved her panties from where they'd landed on the stove.

They got dressed. Then May made them tea, because she knew if she didn't do something else, she was going to start doing things to Tony with her mouth. Again.

They needed to talk about something else.

"Tell me about the fight with the aliens," she asked as she handed Tony a cup from her fine china set. He had his pants back on and was sitting at the recently violated kitchen table.

That was familiar ground for Tony, so he told her the same story he pretty much told everyone. It featured the newly formed Avengers, SHIELD, the Tesseract, Loki, the Chitauri, the fight downtown, Tony's escapade with a nuclear weapon, and schwarma.

"How were you supposed to get back home?" May asked when he was done.

Tony smiled. "I walked. The schwarma place was just a few blocks from my building."

May gave him a hard look - she knew Tony was being evasive. "I don't mean that. How did you expect to get back after dropping that bomb on the aliens?"

Tony felt a momentary surge of that old, old panic. He fought it down, using a sip from his tea to buy time.

"I didn't expect to get back," Tony told May. That was the part of the story he didn't tell too often.

May examined his face closely.

"You know, I used to think I could see the future," Tony said suddenly.

That seemed to surprise May.

"I don't mean that I could see actual future events. I thought I could see the broad framework of how the future would work out. Mostly in terms of technology, since that's my thing. And maybe I can. But nobody can see the details, May. Nobody at all. Any action we take can go right or wrong. We don't control that, we just have to do our best."

May didn't say anything.

* * *

As Tony left, he almost literally bumped into the kids. They were standing in the sidewalk, just before the porch stairs. They were kissing and had their hands in some seriously inappropriate places. Tony was willing to state that it was impossible for them to have any more of their combined body surface areas in contact. He also had some doubts about the quality of "studying" that had occurred that night.

Tony took a moment to enjoy the experience of actually sneaking up on Spider-Man.

"Hi," Tony said.

The kids flew apart.

Gwen was a cute kid. And, to Tony's expert eye, she was someday going to be a beautiful woman. There was enough illumination from the porch light so he could see the incandescent blush that was lighting up her face.

Tony looked at Peter. "Somebody had the talk with you about using protection?"

It turned out that it was actually possible for Gwen's blush to get worse.

Peter nodded wordlessly.

"We replaced some equipment from the downtown lab," Tony continued. "I left the surplus with M... with your aunt."

Peter nodded again.

Tony looked at Gwen again. Then at Peter.

"Normally, I'd say she's way out of your league... except she's apparently not. So don't screw this up," Tony told Peter.

Then Tony began walking away.

"And stay the hell away from the kitchen table!" Tony yelled over his shoulder.

* * *

They were grownups and couldn't just keep denying reality. So Tony and May had a long phone call and came up with a plan and a schedule. The seriously hot phone-sex was a bonus.

They were back in that nice hotel.

Tony was in bed. May was standing at the window, looking out over the Manhattan skyline. The fact she was naked and completely visible from the window didn't seem to bother her. As near as Tony could tell, May had fewer sexual inhibitions than the typical Thai hooker.

"I'm about to say something that will make you mad," May warned. She was still looking out the window.

Tony looked warily at May - trying not be distracted by her fine backside. "What?"

May turned so she was facing Tony. The view was even more spectacular from that angle.

"There's somebody I know," May said. "He helps veterans coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan. He's not a psychiatrist, Tony. He was in Iraq and he's good at talking to people. He understands."

Tony knew that May worked with an organization that did that sort of thing. He'd checked it out and found out that it was well run and reasonably non-corrupt - it was actually spending the majority of its money to help people. He anonymously donated a million dollars.

"I don't need help," Tony answered flatly.

"You've seen a lot of shit, Tony," May said quietly.

Tony almost said, "Language," but there were a lot of reasons not to do that.

May went back to bed and found a way to make the tension go away.

* * *

Afterwards, Tony asked, "How did you get involved with that veterans' organization?"

May was curled up next to Tony, her head on his shoulder.

"Ben was a soldier when he was younger. He didn't go to war, but he had friends who did. He saw how much trouble some of them were having when they got home and he decided to help."

Tony considered that.

"I'm not a soldier," he said more-or-less randomly.

May still had her head on his shoulder. She smiled sadly. "Tony, you've been through more than most soldiers."

* * *

Rhodey blinked in surprise. "Pepper, Hogan, and I told you over and over to talk to somebody. How did Mrs. Parker convince you?"

Tony shook his head. "Maybe it's just time. And May knows him - so it's not like he's just some random shrink."

"You've got an appointment with this guy?" Rhodey asked doggedly. "And you really plan to show up and... you know... actually cooperate? Talk to him?"

Tony nodded. "We meet in an hour."

Rhodey considered that before speaking. "Do you want me to come along? I don't have to be with you when you talk to him."

Tony sighed. "I think I better fly solo on his one."

Rhodey shook his head. "You've been flying solo too damn much. I'll wait in the car."

"Rhodey, do you really think I'd run out on this?"

"Yes. Get the damn car."

Tony didn't really have any choice but to agree.

* * *

The guy Tony was meeting didn't live in the U.S. any longer, but he was in New York on other business and at May's request he'd agreed to meet.

"He won't be able to help you full time," May said, "but once you've talked, maybe he can recommend someone."

When they first saw each other, he and Tony just stared. After all, the level of coincidence involved was mind-boggling.

Neither of them went for a weapon. Maybe that was a surprise. Maybe that wasn't.

"I never got around to apologizing for shooting you in the face," Tony said slowly. "Sorry. After Rhodey crashed, I wasn't thinking straight."

Sam Wilson nodded. "How's Rhodey doing?"

"He's downstairs, waiting in the car. He came along to make sure I went through with this."

Sam winced.

"Y'know... maybe you two should talk," Tony continued, the concern in his voice obvious. "Rhodey's a pro. He looked at the files from our onboard cameras. He knows it was an accident."

"He's in a wheelchair?" Sam asked.

Tony shook his head. "I came up with a pair of exo-skeleton frames for his legs. He's got ninety-five percent flexibility back, but he's actually a lot faster on a straight-line course. We're talking about putting him back in the War Machine armor."

Sam considered that. "How's he feel about getting back in the armor?"

Tony took a deep breath and let it out. "He says he wants to do it."

Sam nodded. "What do you think?"

"He's scared. But he's Colonel James Fucking Rhodes so he won't admit it. And he's not going to be right until he gets back in the armor."

So they spent the entire first session talking about helping Rhodey.

That was actually a good start.

* * *

May called Sam later on. She caught him in his hotel room.

"How'd it go?" May asked.

There were limits to what Sam could say, but... "Fine. In fact, pretty good. Maybe you should have told me I was going to be talking to Tony Stark."

"Sorry," May replied, "but Tony's a weird combination of a private person and an exhibitionist. I thought he might balk if I didn't keep things as quiet as possible."

Sam had to agree. "Yeah, that was probably a good call."

"Did you and Tony come up with someone he could talk to regularly?"

"Tony wants to talk to me. He said he'd fly out to Africa once a month. We'll meet in Johannesburg."

"Oh! That's great! By the way, when are you going to come home from Africa?"

Sam smiled wryly. "That's a little complex. We'll see. Hey, how do you happen to know Tony Stark?"

There was a pause as May tried to figure out how to answer that one.

"You remember my nephew Peter? Tony's taken an interest in helping with his education."

Sam accepted that without much thought. It was only after they hung up that he did the math.

Yeah... Peter was the right size. And the right age. And his voice...

"Oh, for God's sake," Sam said to the four walls of his room.

* * *

"You know, there's something about Mr. Stark," Peter said suddenly.

He and Gwen were having another study session. This time they were in Captain Stacy's den, at Captain Stacy's desk. They were surrounded by a disorganized arc of books and papers. There were a pair of open laptops precariously perched on the heap. For the first time in his life, Peter's laptop was newer than Gwen's.

Actually they did study when they were together. It just wasn't the totality of the evening.

"What's with him?" Gwen asked curiously. She really didn't know what to make of Peter's friend, but she was grateful for what he was doing for Peter. However, Gwen had caught the look that Aunt May had sent Tony's way the other night. It was after they met Tony in the front yard of the Parker house. Aunt May had come to the front door to see what was going on.

Gwen was just old enough, and just wise enough, and just woman enough, to have a good idea what that look meant.

After all, she knew she sometimes looked at Peter that way.

Peter stopped to think about it. "He's always been kinda... I dunno... sort of twitchy? Unhappy? But the last few days he's been a lot better."

"Really?" Gwen said. There was the tiniest ghost of a smile on her face.

"Yeah," Peter said, suddenly more certain of what he was saying.

Then he looked at Gwen, "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Gwen said as she leaned forward. They had a rule: no kissing until after nine because they really had to be ready for the physics test.

Rules were made to be broken.

Peter smiled at Gwen. Then he looked at the wilderness of study debris all around them and sighed. Stuff was falling on the floor.

"We need more room," he told Gwen thoughtfully. "How about we use the kitchen table instead?"

This time, Gwen's smile wasn't even a little subdued.

"Maybe we better not," she said.


End file.
